Taumarunui power lineman and inspector Ian Wilson's wife, Kathryn, had a stroke following the birth of their son eight years ago.

They had no way of knowing this would eventually lead to Ian's departure from paid employment.

Over the years Kathryn suffered further strokes, losing her vision and developing other health complications: diabetes, foot ulcers, amputations, and coeliac disease. Kathryn also experiences mild dementia caused by the strokes.

Recently Ian reached a crossroads trying to juggle his paid work as a high voltage substation technician working in the dairy industry with the growing support needs of Kathryn and their son, Hamish.

Although his employer was supportive, Ian's work can be dangerous, and requires full concentration for occupational safety.

After reducing his hours to about four a day, Ian says he had to choose between his roles.

"They tended to overlap at the worst possible times, when I was on a call-out for example."

"I wasn't giving my company or the clients a fair deal, and as an ‘old time' tradesman I thought it was fair to pull the plug on my job."

"I was working so few hours at the end that it was hardly enough to live on anyhow."

Ian was just 41, and Kathryn only 45, when he gave notice to his employer.

Men care too!

The last straw came when Ian found Kathryn trying to inject her insulin ‘by feel'.

"She is very independent, but I no longer felt she was safe while I was working."

Local ambulance volunteers weren't allowed to administer certain drugs or injections. "Paramedics had to come from New Plymouth for these procedures."

Ian realised the time had come to move his family closer to the Base Hospital and the support services his family needed. They now live on a six acre lifestyle block a 10 minute drive from the hospital.

Ian was given a copy of Family Care by a visiting Stroke Foundation field worker, and says he was pleased to read about others in caring situations and how they cope with what can be a lonely and stressful role.

Daily routines

"Some of the articles touched a nerve. I was so relieved to see that there are other males like me who have given up work to care, and have the same problems."

"I am quite open about my role, but I imagine some blokes have a harder time adjusting."

Ian misses the company of his male colleagues and spending social time with them after work

"It was good to be able to have a beer at the end of the day without having to rush home to administer drugs, as I do now."

Ian checks Kathryn's blood sugar level six times a day, and assists with walking, showering, dressing, and toileting.

He also manages Hamish's care and does all of the household tasks, including the cooking.

Practical view

He admires Kathryn's spirit and independence, and teases her about being his ‘human pincushion'.

"I frequently put her undies on backwards or forget her bra, but she still has enough energy to tell me off! She never complains, and I admire her strength."

"Sometimes we have a laugh about the whole situation. We'd go mad otherwise!"

Ian takes a practical view of their challenges and sees caring for Kathryn as a job.

"My focus has changed from mechanical tasks to nursing ones. That's funny because I did want to be a male nurse, and Kathryn was herself a nurse."

Mr Fix-It

"I used to watch her care for others and know she would have supported me if I was in her situation. Yes, it can be frustrating at times, but I bet what we go through is nothing compared to what others live with."

Kathryn and Ian met through a newspaper ad and haven't had an argument in all their years together.

Their solid relationship has helped them weather the ups and downs of the last eight years, including a period of severe depression after Ian left his job.

"I was suddenly stuck in the house all day folding towels and wondering why they weren't fluffy. I've always enjoyed doing housework so it wasn't that ... it was being in the role full-time."
"It's also hard to watch somebody as strong as Kathryn go downhill and not be able to do anything about it, especially when I'm used to being able to fix things."

New skills

Having always been a proud working person in ‘tough guy' jobs, Ian doesn't like to receive a government benefit, but accepts this is necessary so he can care for Kathryn.

"When you do overtime in a paid job you receive a nice chunk of money, but that doesn't happen as a carer. It's difficult just trying to survive.

"There are good things about caring, especially interacting with a broad range of people, and gaining new skills in his caring role.

Ian has learned to prepare gluten free meals for Kathryn, and enjoys being a hands-on Dad to Hamish.

Also, he now feels part of a care team which includes therapists, doctors, and the local chemist, and is a knowledgeable user of aids such as MedicoPak trays for Kathryn's medications.

Accepting help

Having settled into a new home, Ian is working with professionals to make the bathroom and shower more accessible, but has yet to organise relief care so he can have regular breaks.

"We've been offered respite for Kathryn but there is nowhere suitable nearby," says Ian.

"To be honest, I'm reluctant to let her loose. I'd probably sit at home and twiddle my thumbs without Kathryn. We get on so well together."

Ian knows he will eventually need help with Kathryn's personal cares. He admits the lifting and transferring are stressing his back.

On the day we spoke to Ian, he and Kathryn were recovering from her fall out of bed the night before.

New directions

"It woke me from a great dream about winning Lotto. I hope it was an omen!"

Recently, after seven years of study, Ian completed a management degree with the Open Polytechnic.

He hopes to one day return to paid work, but for now accepts that he is already doing two busy jobs: as husband and carer for Kathryn, and full-time Dad for Hamish.

"I'm learning how to be both mother and father to Hamish. That's the long and the short of it."