Caring can be a wonderful experience, but it can also be isolating and lonely.  We hope you will find our stories about other New Zealand carers uplifting and inspiring, and help you feel part of the large community of 420,000+ carers!  Many of these stories are from past issues of Family Care magazine.  To request a subscription to our quarterly magazine, delivered directly to your home, phone (0800) 777 797, email sara@carers.net.nz, or read more at our Family Care section at the website!

This Is Family

"The hardest part of being old is that inside we feel the same as we did when we were young."

This is the view of Dallas Byrne, whose 91 year old grandmother, Lyn, struggled to accept her growing need for support.

Dallas looked in on her grandmother every day, changing her pressure stocking and helping with everyday tasks.

Lyn fiercely held onto her independence until recently, when her health needs required a shift to residential care.

Dallas is self-employed, so had the flexibility to work in with the district nurse and Lyn's daughter, Denella (56), who helped to support Lyn while she was at home.

"Providing support is easy enough if you work as a team," says Dallas. "Nana knew she was lucky to have our support while she was at home but was often argumentative. She wouldn't have a phone installed in her bedroom or wear a medical alarm. It worried us."

Lyn needed more support than she would accept, but resisted help such as Meals on Wheels, assistance with showering, or a hand to get in and out of bed.

"She saw it as giving up her independence, but I tried to explain that accepting help increased her independence."

Although Lyn's health can be precarious, she was anxious that she might be asked to accept residential care. Staying independent at home was the only option she would consider until recently, says Dallas.

"She is a very outspoken and strong-minded person."

For Dallas, the situation has been complex and emotionally challenging.

"Nana said she was perfectly alright on her own. I had to respect that.  I didn't have the right to take her independence away from her."

But as her grandmother's health and support needs grew, Dallas says their relationship became strained at times.

"There comes a moment when you are not equipped to do the caring anymore. There is definitely a place for professional care, especially as it takes the pressure off the relationship.

"Now I can just be a grandaughter again."

Dallas' advice to other families is to offer support as a team.

"The total responsibility can't fall to just one person. And you have to constantly work in with the nurses and with the person you support."

Dallas' dedication and understanding come from her strong sense of family

"This is just family and it's what you do," she says. "You go into it with love and best intentions, but it may not be an experience you've ever had before. It can be more complicated than you ever imagined!"

Tips from Dallas

Agree as a family who will provide support and how this will work.

Review needs regularly.

Respect your family member's independence and wishes, while accepting how much you can and can't do.

Find ways to nurture your personal relationship with your family member so it is not overtaken by your caring role.

Be open about concerns, including whether formal care is needed.



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